Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
