They should really pass out barf bags in church
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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