I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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