Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
