i don't plan on having that self control this summer
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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