Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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