I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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