I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
