I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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