we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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