On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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