so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
