4 words: hood of his car
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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