I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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