I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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