I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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