Where did you get a picture of my penis
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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