I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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