theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
