I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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