9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
