I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
