And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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