Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
