I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
