so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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