i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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