when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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