Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
