Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
