Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
