I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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