just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
