Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am