My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
