eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
