I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
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So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
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Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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