I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....