I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
