I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
