Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
