My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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