I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
