All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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