A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
