dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize