All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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