Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
