The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
