So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
