Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
