if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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