New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
