i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot