Me. At least after what I've been through.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?