Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.