Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
