I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
