his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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